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Our Child: Successful Businessperson or Cult Leader? You Decide.
This morning while I was checking email, Christopher was writing on a piece of paper. As usual, he asked me how to spell certain words, and I told him without paying much attention even though today's words were "hypnotize" and "understand".
After he finished, he sprinted into our bedroom and then came back out to show me the paper:
My first question: Did you make Daddy sign this?
Christopher: Well, Daddy understands, all right, but he didn't want to sign so I signed it for him.
I laughed hysterically, provoking my son to scream "STOP LAUGHING". (This happens often around here.)
At this point, I'm thinking: not only does Christopher understand how business transactions work, he's well on his way to being a heavy. ("You sign these F-ing papers or I'll sign 'em for ya, see?")
So I went into our room where Frank was still in bed, and we had a good laugh over our strange, hilarious child.
When I came back out, I asked Christopher what he planned to do while hypmotizing his father.
His response: Well, first I'm going to take out everything he knows, and put it (looking around the room) in that can, and then I'm going to put in new stuff.
Uh. Ok......?
Cult leader, much?
I presume there will be an obligatory "tear you down and then build you back up" process involved as well.
Stay tuned. It appears he's working on my contract/waiver as I type this.
The good news is that the cult will probably be the "feed Christopher ice cream on demand" cult, not a more sinister one. But give him time. You know, power corrupts, etc, etc.
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HeatDish update
 The dogs are no longer afraid of the HeatDish. In fact, the two have been jockeying for the position closest to the HeatDish despite there being maybe 2 feet between the heater and the kitchen table.
In fact, Bacchus likes the HeatDish SO MUCH that he just growled at me when I tried to nudge him out of the way so I could get up from my chair.
Look how he's glaring at me in the picture. He's trying to control me with his mind.
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Culinary Aventures
...in which our heroine attempts to trick her child into eating things he does not like but which are good for him.
For Christmas, my aunt Barbara got us the Jessica Seinfeld cookbook, Deceptively Delicious. The basic gist of this is, through the magic of pureeing, you can sneak healthy foods into regular foods and your child will be none the wiser. I'm all for trickery in any form, so I was eager to try it.
I dusted off the steamer and steamed some carrots and then cauliflower while I roasted some butternut squash in the oven. It all started out well enough, but I ran into trouble trying to use a tiny food processor to puree the carrots. It didn't work well, so I decided to try the blender. I dumped the contents of the food processor into the blender and hit PUREE, and was surprised to smell....burning.
Why did this happen? Because when I dumped the contents of the food processor into the blender I also dumped the...anyone? anyone...the processor blade into the blender, which didn't play well with the blender blade.
Long story short: I bought a SWEET food processor and proceeded to puree like a mofo.
A little about pureeing vegetables: butternut squash is easy and pleasant smelling. Carrots don't easily turn "smooth and creamy". Cauliflower does indeed turn smooth and creamy but then smells like stinkbugs.
Here's what I ended up with:
Then I made my first tricky snack. I mixed peanut butter, light cream cheese, hershey's syrup and carrot puree into a dip for apple slices. I tasted it, and verified that you could neither see nor taste the carrots. Christopher had this to say:
I'm not feeling too smug, given the 6 tablespoons of chocolate syrup in the recipe, but I was pleased that he didn't notice the carrots. Next up: noodles with butter, cheese, and butternut squash.
Stay tuned.
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Huh.
What's next? Organic donuts?
(Ha. Yes.)
Also, you may notice that the pop tarts - er, toaster pastries - are on my counter, not the grocery store shelf, so I'm mocking my own ridiculousness as well as the product.
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Our little comedian
Tonight at bedtime Christopher was hilarious, both intentionally and unintentionally.
As a stall tactic he pulled out his Al Capone/gangster accent which he knows always makes me laugh. He was saying, "Watch yourself, eh?" and "You'll never take me alive, see?" Seeing his little mouth twist to the side and hearing that voice kills me every time. I'll try to get it on tape tomorrow.
Next he told me a story of his recess activities, which he didn't mean to be funny but cracked me up anyway.
C: Today on the playground we were playing Camp Lazlo (one of his favorite shows).
Me: Who was?
C: Me, J and R. J was Lazlo, R was Raj and I was Clam. I was even talking like him. It was so funny.
Me: That sounds funny!
C: Yeah, and did you know Billy (of tuxedo tee fame) was Scout Master Lumpus (bad guy)?
Me: Really?
C: Yeah so we were all running away from him.
Me: Do you think he felt badly?
C: Nah, I don’t even think he knew what we were playing so he just started yelling (growly voice) “WHERE IS THE DEATH STAR?!”
I guess it's sort of important to the punch line to know that Billy is REALLY into Star Wars. The fact that he sized up the situation, realized he had no idea what was going on, and decided to march triumphantly to his own drumbeat just made me laugh.
And laugh.
And of course, Christopher seized upon my laughter to get me with his "Where's the Death Star, Copper?" and then we were both rolling.
Good times.Labels: our little
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Glabrous
(warning: major nerd alert on this one)
 I'm reading A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, by David Foster Wallace (thanks, Aly!) which so far is pretty good. I'm kind of a wordie, so when I saw the word 'glabrous' I had to look it up.
First, it's pronounced glay-brus, which surprised me a little. And Merriam-Webster defines it as "having a surface without hairs or projections <glabrous skin> <glabrous leaves>"
Which is kind of in line with what I thought it meant. DF Wallace was being self-deprecating in his description of his teenage body. He also uses the phrase "shallow chest."
But what I found REALLY interesting was this:
Latin glabr-, glaber smooth, bald — more at glad Huh? Interesting! Here's what M-W has to say about glad:
Etymology:- Middle English, shining, glad, from Old English glæd; akin to Old High German glat shining, smooth, Latin glaber smooth, bald
Ok, I'm now kind of in love with the word glad. There are times when I'm happy, or excited, or content, but sometimes I feel the type of pure, shiny, smooth happiness that (now) only glad can describe.
Thank you, David Foster Wallace!
Think how the REM song would've been different: Glad people holding hands!!
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Update
Ok, now that I scrutinize the photo of the cat/heater more, I'm pretty darn sure it's Photoshopped. Look at the tip of the rug showing behind the cat's back - totally fake.
Also, here are the other pictures offered by Presto, in which you can see that the heater has been photoshopped - badly - into the image. It cracks me up that they just took stock photos & superimposed their product into it (or vice versa on the first pic).
But I bet they paid 1/3 less for the advertisiing!
Labels: cheap bastards, photoshop, photoshopped
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Grateful
 This morning I'm feeling grateful for a wonderful Christmas gift Frank gave me: the Presto HeatDish "Parabolic Electric Heater".
I get a bit cold siting at my laptop next to the window (yes, I do realize my laptop is PORTABLE but I'm a creature of habit) and have been using a space heater "borrowed" from my mom a couple of years ago.
Frank did a little research on space heaters and discovered they're terrible wasters of energy (read: money) so he'd been giving me a little bit of grief for using it. I did point out that the need for said heater would be decreased if we kept the house a little warmer, but I don't think he heard me.
So one day we walked into Costco and passed this fan-looking thingy. From 10 feet away we could feel the heat. It was AMAZING. But what sealed the deal was that it claimed to use "1/3 less heat". I asked Frank, "1/3 less than what?" but I don't think he heard me.
Anyway, I thought about the wonderheater from time to time but generally forgot about it until Christmas Day, when I found it under the tree! I've been warm & happy since, and Frank's warm and happy about the 1/3 more pennies we get to keep.
One piece of advice, if you should find one of these babies under your tree, menorah or festivus pole: do not under any circumstances put it closer than 3 feet to your person, unless you 1) want a sunburn or 2)love the smell of burnt hair. The thing is HOT, and the heat is directed in one direction very intensely. Unless it's across the room from me I have it on low-medium.
I have to question the picture I've included here. Either the cat's dead, or the heater isn't really on and they've photoshopped the warm glow. Seriously. Our dogs are frightened of the thing, and these are dogs who spend the majority of their days on my bed underneath the covers.Labels: heat dish, space heater, Things I love
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Finally
One of my biggest (only?) pet peeves about Austin is that it touts itself as a Green city. It is very self-congratulatory about being Green, and maybe even a little bit smug.
But its recycling program is quite lacking, especially in comparison to other cities like Madison, Wisconsin. Here we have to sort all the materials (fine), break down boxes to flat pieces of cardboard (fine), and wash out every bit of plastic/glass/metal we wish to recycle (less fine, but I still do it). In Madison, you throw it all in a bin and let the city sort it out.
But the annoying part is this: in Austin you can only recycle #1 and #2 plastics, and even then only if it's in "bottle form." So, no yogurt containers, tv dinner trays, or newspaper bags, to name a few. They also have some stupid rules about no cereal boxes, etc. which I studiously ignore. Here's a list of what's accepted and what's not.
This has been a source of irritation for me and, since it bugs me when people complain without doing anything, I've written a few letters to the appropriate parties. I received copies of emails that the appropriate parties had sent to other customers, so the answers were only half-relevant to my questions, but the bottom line was that they didn't really care that 80% of the plastics were still going into the landfill and that I needed to be more careful when selecting products at the grocery store.
Touche. But I'm already resisting the temptation of individually packaged, say, applesauces for Christopher, dutifully buying the largest GLASS jar I can find and then using reusable containers in his lunch box. At some point it becomes nigh impossible to avoid all those #5 and #7 plastics.
So, I'm pretty happy to report that changes are a'comin'. The news has made vague remarks about changes in the next year which will broaden the range of acceptable plastics, and now we see that the city is looking into a strategy used in San Francisco called the Fantastic Three program which aims to turn the city into a zero-waste place. (The Fantastic Three consist of "a cart for recyclables, a cart for compostables and a small little cart for garbage")
Zero-waste is really ambitious, but I'm happy to see that the city may earn the Green badge it has already awarded itself.
Also, I just found out that you can "recycle" all your #3, 4, 5, and 7 plastics by donating them to the Austin Children's Museum for use in art projects.
We now resume our regularly scheduled programming.Labels: City of Austin, Fantastic Three, recycling, zero waste
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Random Tidbits
 Tidbit 1: last week Christopher asked us, "What's the opposite of a pig?"
We decided it'd probably be a cat, since pigs are smart but filthy and cats are dumb but clean. Please don't send me hate mail for the cat-bashing. I don't have strong feelings one way or another about cats. And I'm sure Atari is a genius, B :)
 Tidbit 2: on Friday I walked upstairs to where Christopher was putting together some Legos. I heard him mutter "sh-t." When he saw me he looked startled and said,"Uhhhhhhh, shoot!" Now obviously, I get that it's completely inappropriate for him to say things like this, and I talked to him about it, but I have to say that a part of me found it, inexplicably, a little bit cute. Maybe it's because he sounded like a little man, and because he was using it in proper context, and because he wasn't trying to test my boundaries (he really did look surprised when I came in). And also because it seemed like he was just trying it out in the same way he tries out other words, and because he quickly corrected himself when he saw me standing there.
 Tidbit 3: (and this one's really weird.) While we were on our NM trip Christopher told me it was bad luck to spill salt. He explained further that, if you do happen to spill some salt, and then accidentally reach for the pepper, a Catastrophe Snail will climb on your shoulder and into your ear, attaching it to your brain and causing further bad luck. When I pressed him to explain where he'd heard of the Catastrophe Snail, he wouldn't tell me, but assured me that IT'S REAL!
Well, thanks to Google I found out that it came from one of his favorite shows, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's bizarre. And funny. The Grim Reaper plays a large role in the show. But anyway, here's the dialogue about the Catastrophe Snail,:
- Grim: [scanning Billy] Just as I suspected. His brain is caught in a bad juju vortex, and his good luck matrix is in the red. This could only mean one thing: Catastrophe Snail!
- Billy: Catastrophe Snail?!
- Grim: Right in your noodle.
- Mandy: But how did it get there?
- Grim: It must have been in that restaurant when Billy spilled the salt. I told him to throw salt over his shoulder to prevent bad luck, but Billy panicked. He reached for the salt, but he grabbed the pepper. That's when the snail must have appeared on Billy's shoulder. Salt would've have fizzled that slimeball, but Billy threw pepper. And at that time, the whole place was sneezing. So, that snail slipped right into Billy's ear with nobody noticing a ting. Once the Catastrophe Snail gets in your head, he plugs his shell right into brain. And once he's plugged in, mon, he'll be reprogramming your mind to have nothing but bad luck only. Dig it?
- Catastrophe Snail: I love my job!
- Grim: Yeah, mon. And if we don't pull him out soon... I guess it's fatal.
- Billy: [screaming] He's messing with my head!!!
Beware the Catastrophe Snail!
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The Tooth Fairy Giveth
...though, presumably, the Tooth Fairy didn't taketh away. We'll probably (thankfully) never know.
 Here's Christopher upon discovering what was left to him. He was pretty excited to have a gold dollar, though it's hard to tell here since he was sleepy still. I had to rock side to side to match his swaying to get a clear picture.
And yep, that's the same shirt from yesterday. That's how he rolls at night now that he's just wearing big boy jammy pants instead of matching sets.
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Milestone
After weeks of tentatively wiggling it, Christopher lost his first tooth today! He'd stubbornly kept it in during our trip to New Mexico (because he thought the Tooth Fairy might not know where we were) despite my giving him apples and other tooth-loosing foods. And then today, what caused it to come out? Why, a spoonful of pudding, of course!
He also accidentally swallowed the tooth, causing his buddy D to exclaim that if there was no tooth, there'd be no money. Christopher calmly shrugged and said, "That's why she's called the Tooth FAIRY. Fairies know everything. She knows I lost a tooth."
It's quite interesting to us that, in Christopher's mind, the Tooth Fairy could find his tooth in the depths of his gut in Texas, but not under his pillow in New Mexico. Boy's got some weird rules.
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High-Ate-Us
Well, it almost ate me, anyway.
Sorry for the blog hiatus. We were in NM at my parents' little place outside Los Alamos, and enjoyed some much-needed time away from the internet, some great family time, a little oxygen deprivation, and lots of fun in the snow.
Grandma and Grandpa gave Christopher a digital camera for Christmas, and Nana & Papa provided him with a 1GB memory card. He took almost 200 pictures, providing us with a great visual journal of the trip. It's pretty hilarious when you give a kid a camera. For instance, you get things like this:
and this:
But you also get some interesting kids-eye view pictures, and ones that grown-ups just wouldn't think to take but that look pretty cool:
So after landing in Albuquerque, after about 2 hours we were able to locate some sleds and took some spins down the hills. This is my favorite one. After Frank convinces Christopher to go down the big hill with him, he puts his feet out to help steer but ends up spraying Christopher in the face the whole way down. You can hear my brother laughing about it:
We also went skiing for 2 days while there. My dad and I attempted snowboarding, which I think I'd be good at if only I could breathe, and we taught Christopher to ski. He was very proud of himself for mastering the rope tow:
And finally, here's one of him skiing down the bunny hill:
Sadly, there are no pictures of us snowboarding because the camera froze the first day and wouldn't work.
You can see more pics here (when I make the page).
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